Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
