We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
