I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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