i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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