we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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