you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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