i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
