I smell stomach acid.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
