Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
