I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
