A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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