Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
