I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
