i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
