He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
