You just made me feel so damn special
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
