I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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