Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
