did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
