tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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