i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
