She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
