My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
