your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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