I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
