I molested 6 butterflies tonight
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
