Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
