I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
