We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
