You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
