Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
