I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
