youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
