my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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