Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
