I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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