I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
