If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
