the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
