so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
