im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
