i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
