I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
