I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
