a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
