Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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