from now on my penis is your penis
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
