happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
