I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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