My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
