It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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