Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
